• Stirlitz had a thought. He liked it, so he had another.
• Supposedly, the first one in the class of wordgame-based jokes sounded like this: "Stirlitz shot Müller. The bullet bounced off. Bronevoy, thought Stirlitz", with the actor Leonid Bronevoy playing Müller in the series, and his last name meaning "armored one".
• Stirlitz heard someone knocking on his door. "Bormann", thought Stirlitz. "Me", thought Bormann.
• Stirlitz, walking down the corridor, subtly pushed the door of Bormann's office as he passed it. The door didn't budge. Stirlitz stopped, looked around and pushed harder. No effect. "Hmm... it must be closed", Stirlitz deduced.
  • Another variant of this joke involves some Fourth Wall painting:

  Stirlitz, walking down the corridor, subtly pushed the door of Bormann's office. The door didn't move. Stirlitz stopped, looked around and pushed harder. To no effect.

• Seventeen Moments of Spring was re-released in color in 2009. This led to a few new Stirlitz jokes, centered on colors. Here's one.
  • "Stirlitz was surprised to see so many colored people serving in the Gestapo".
  • And so many blacks, at that!^note Physicists hate blacks... as 'colours'. Actual black is the absence of light, and so by definition cannot be a colour. So-called 'black' colours are, therefore, not actually black.
• Stirlitz (played by Vyacheslav Tikhonov in the TV series) wakes up in a cell with no recollection of how he got there. "Who got me? Which name should I use?" - he wonders. - "Let's see. If they wear black (SS) uniforms, I'll say I'm Standartenführer Stirlitz. If they wear green (Red Army) uniforms, I'm Colonel Isayev". The door opens and a blue-uniformed policeman comes in saying: "You really should ease up on the vodka, Comrade Tikhonov!"
• Stirlitz opened a door. The lights went on. Stirlitz closed the door. The lights went out. Stirlitz opened the door again. The light went back on. Stirlitz closed the door. The light went out again. "It's a refrigerator," concluded Stirlitz.
• Muller was driving a Mercedes at 120 km/h. Stirlitz was running alongside him, pretending to be on a casual stroll.
• Of course, this being a spy flick, numerous jokes jab at the usual cliches.
  • Stirlitz heard someone knocking the door. He opened. There was a little dog. "What are you doing here, silly thing?" - he asked kindly. "You fool! I'm from Centre." (This dog and Stirlitz's line were in the series. The dog didn't respond though.)
  • Müller is awoken at 3 AM by knocking at his door. Annoyed as hell, he goes to open it and sees a bearded man in a winter jacket, an earflap-hat adorned with a Red Star, and laden with a huge radio set.

  "Camels can go fuck themselves," - answers Müller in irritation - "Your man Stirlitz lives on the next floor."

  • Another joke references the backwards state of Soviet electronics:

  Hitler walks into the war room and finds a massive, heavy-looking grey box dominating the table.

  Hitler: What is that?

  Heinrich Müller: It's the latest Soviet audio bug. Now, mein Führer, only Stirlitz had access to this room; I told you he might be a spy...

  Hitler: *exasperated* Never mind that, why hasn't anybody gotten rid of it?

  Müller: We tried, mein Führer. Nobody can lift the damned thing.

• "I flunked again, Petka. The question was about Caesar, and I told them it's a stallion from the 7th cavalry squadron." / "Oh, sorry about that, Vasily Ivanovich, I had him moved to the 6th!"

- Vasiliy Ivanovich, an enemy tank's attacking!

- Take the grenade, Petka.

Some time later.

- Whew! We took it out!

- Good. Now, put the grenade back, Petka.

• One of many jokes playing on (and reinforcing) Chapayev's Book Dumb reputation:

Chapayev and Petka are making a strategic retreat from the White Army, under heavy fire. Chapayev drops the satchel he's carrying, and has to run back and get it while bullets whiz all around him.
Once he catches back up, Petka shouts, "What's in the satchel, Vasily Ivanovich?"
"The campaign maps, Petka! I couldn't let them fall into the Whites' hands!"
They finally outrun the enemy and make it back to their own lines. Petka looks inside the satchel. "Hey, Vasily Ivanovich, there's only potatoes in here!"
Chapayev pours out all the potatoes onto a table and starts arranging them—"See, Petka, here are the Whites, and here we are."^note Based on a famous scene from the movie where Chapayev uses potatoes as props for a successful strategy lesson.

• One of the core jokes related to Chapayev's death, as mentioned above:

A Soviet elementary school teacher, in preparation for the celebration of the anniversary of the Revolution, asks the children whether any of their relatives knew anyone of the Bolshevik 'Old Guard' (of core members during the Civil War). Sashka

stands up and says that his grandfather knew Chapaev! The teacher is overjoyed and asks Sashka to ask his grandfather if he wants to come to the school and tell the children about Chapayev. The grandfather accepts and comes to class the next day.

-Comrade Petrov, your grandson says you knew our great hero Chapayev, who fought and died for the triumph of communism!

-Indeed, comrade teacher, I once saw the great revolutionary hero Vasily Ivany'ch.

-Oh, my! Please, would you tell the children when you saw him? What do you remember of him?

-Of course. Well, kids, I fought in the civil war. It was a fine morning in September, I remember it as if it were only yesterday... our platoon had had a long march and we were resting on the banks of a river. So I'm sitting there, eating an apple, my machine-gun in my lap. Then suddenly, I see movement - there's some guy swimming across the river. His High Excellency the General, next to me, jumps up and shouts "It's Chapayev! Shoot, Ivan, Shoot!"

Yes, only the White Army had generals and formal styles in the civil war. Reds, Greens, and Blacks had commanders, not officers.)

"Yesterday I saved a lady from being raped..."

"Oh, my! How?"

"Well, I managed to talk her into consenting."

• Rzhevsky and Natasha are at a gala. They walk onto a balcony.

Rzhevsky: Oh Natalie, what a magnificent night this is, with its full moon and bright stars...

His voice's echo [out of habit]: fuck me, fuck me, fuck me...

• Two variations on one where Rzhevsky attends a noble's ball and asks to dance with Natalya.

Natalya: My goodness, Lieutenant, your boots are filthy! Just look at them, they're caked in mud!

: Don't you worry, m'lady, once it's dry it'll fall off by itself. /

: It's not mud, m'lady, it's shit.

Rzhevsky and Natalia are on a boat in a beautiful pond.

Natalya: Look, Lieutenant! Swans! Have you ever thought of becoming a swan?

: Put my naked ass in the cold water? Beg your pardon, mademoiselle, it's not for me.

Rzhevsky and his cohort of hussars were invited to Natalia's 21'st birthday banquet. They arrive, and Natalia asks:

- Dear

, help me out, we were only able to fit 20 candles on the birthday cake. Where

the last one?

(addressing the cohort) - Silence, officers!!!

• Sometimes, however, he gets to be an actual officer:

- Oh, poruchik, I see you're wearing a new order. How did you receive it?

- I got it for saving the whole regiment from certain death!

- Oh, did you break out of an encirclement?

Pamyat: Pamyat headquarters, what is the nature of your inquiry?

Rabinovich: Is it true that the Jews have sold Russia out?

Pamyat: Damn right!

Rabinovich: Woohoo! So...where can I go to get my share?

• Sometimes Rabinovich is a otkaznik, or at least discusses emigrating to Israel:

Rabinovich's Friend: Rabinovich! I thought you would have emigrated to Israel by now!

Rabinovich: Why? I can feel just as miserable right here.

• Or another one, when Rabinovich is applying for permission to move to Israel:

Official: Your application says you have no relatives abroad, but elsewhere you mention you have a brother in Tel Aviv. How can this be true?

Rabinovich: Yes, but he's not abroad, I am!

• It's often political due to the special immigration leeway granted by Israel:

During his visit to Israel (or America), Rabinovich has sent a telegram back to the office he works at, saying "I have chosen freedom". The office soviet decides to denounce him on the next monthly meeting.

To everyone's surprise, he shows up at the meeting.

Rabinovich: I know where I meant when I said freedom, but do you?

• And, inevitably, sometimes he is a Greedy Jew:

Rabinovich and his wife, Sarah, are lying in bed together. Rabinovich can't get to sleep, and is fidgeting nervously. Eventually, his wife can't take it any more:

Sarah: For pity's sake, love! What's the matter?

Rabinovich: You know Levi from the next tenement? I borrowed ten rubles from him the other day.

Sarah: But you don't have ten rubles!

Rabinovich: I know, and that's why I can't sleep!

Sarah: (*sighs, then opens the window and shouts out) LEVI? LEVI!

Levi: (*from his own window across the street) What?

Sarah: You know those ten rubles my husband borrowed from you? Well, he's not giving them back! (*slams window, turns back to Rabinovich) There. Now you just settle down and let Levi be the sleepless one!

• Or (while Rabinovich is at last at the airport to go to Israel):

Soviet Customs Official: *points to a hefty miniature statue* What is that?

Rabinovich: What is that? WHAT is that? Do not say what is that, say who is that! That is Lenin, the hero who established this workers' paradise! I intend to keep him on the mantlepiece as a reminder of our country's greatness.

Official: *laughing*, OK, move along.

Later, at Ben-Gurion Airport

Israeli Customs Official: *points at statue* What is that?

Rabinovich: What is that? WHAT is that? Do not say what is that, say who is that! That is Lenin, the asshole who created the hell-hole I'm so happy to be leaving! I intend to keep him over the toilet as a reminder of my old country's shittiness.

Official: *laughing*, OK, move along.

Later, at his daughter's house

Rabinovich's Israeli grandson: *points at statute* Who is that?

Rabinovich: Do not say who is that, grandson, say what is that? That, my child, is five kilograms of solid gold!

• The teacher asks the class to produce a word that starts with the letter "A"; Vovochka happily raises his hand and says "Asshole!" The teacher, shocked, responds "For shame! There's no such word!" "That's strange," says Vovochka, "the asshole exists, but the word doesn't!"
• Vovochka is peeking through the keyhole of his parents bedroom: "And these people won't let me pick my nose."

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see." Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars." Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life." And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, somebody has stolen our tent!"

• This one had legs: it made its way west and won an English-language joke contest in the mid-2000s.

• Another prominent theme is making fun of Victorian Britain stereotypes, especially porridge, which is believed to be the primary food of a Quintessential British Gentleman.

Watson: Holmes, what is this terrible howling? Is this the Hound of Baskervilles?

Holmes: No, Watson... It's Sir Henry, they're trying to make him eat porridge again.

A Mercedes Benz stops at a traffic light. Suddenly, a Zaporozhets comes from behind and collides with it. Five thugs get out of the Mercedes and drag the driver of the Zaporozhets out. 'Okay, dude, we see now that you don't have any money, so we'll just beat the crap out of you for trashing our car,' they say. The man looks at them and says: 'Wait, boys, isn't it unfair for five people to attack one?' The thugs get together and discuss this for a little, then return to him and say: 'You are right, it is unfair. Here, Kolya and Vova will fight on your side.'"

• The sheer chaos of when anything could turn out in any way was also another source of jokes.
  • A Mercedes stops, and an old Zaporozhets crashes into it. Two goons in suits get out, approach an old man in his old car and ask him: "Hi, now you owe us so-o much... you're going to pay or we'll talk ...differently?" Old dude replies "Ah, I haven't much money with me, perhaps you need to talk with my son." "And who's your son?" "Chief of the poultry farm." "Well, call him." Five minutes later an armored carrier stops nearby and several big, armed troopers jump out. "Dad, how many times must I tell you? My job's not called Chief of the Poultry Farm, but Commander of the Golden Eagle Special Detachment..."
• After an operation, the surgeon tells the patient: "We'll have to operate again, I forgot a glove inside of you". The patient, a New Russian, replies: "Here's a hundred bucks, go buy yourself a new one".
• One New Russian is boasting to another: "Look, this tie cost me 600 dollars!" The other replies: "You've been had, they sell the same ties round the corner for 1000 dollars!"
• A New Russian exits the Hermitage Museum (former Russian Imperial Palace filled with priceless works of art): "Meh, what a hovel." (People around look at him reproachfully). "But a tidy one!"
• A police investigator asks a New Russian: "Do you have an alibi?" - "Yes, I do. Can I pay in foreign currency?"
• A New Russian is in an auto accident. He stumbles out of his car, and his left arm has been torn off. He starts yelling "Oh God, my car! My car!" A bystander says, "Your car? Look at your arm!" He looks down and says, "Oh God, my Rolex!"
• The quintessential new Russian joke about a Zaphorozhets and a New Russian's car is as follows:

A new Russian and an old man are lying next to each other in hospital.

New Russian: So what are you in for?

Old Man: Auto accident.

New Russian: Me too - what happened?

Old Man: I had an old Zaporozhets car, and I put my war-trophy Messerschmitt jet engine in it. While driving on a highway, I saw a Ferrari ahead and tried to overtake it. My speed was too high, I lost control and crashed into a tree. And how did you get here?

New Russian: I was driving my Ferrari when I saw a Zaporozhets overtaking me. I thought that my car might have broken down and was actually standing still. So I opened the door and walked out...

• A New Russian meets his daughter's boyfriend for the first time. They are alone in a room and the New Russian starts asking a few questions:

New Russian: So, do you have your own apartment already?

Boyfriend: Uhm.. actually not... but I believe God will help me!

New Russian: Okay, do you have a job?

Boyfriend: No... but... I believe God will help me!

New Russian: Alright, how are you planning to feed my daughter and your children, if you have any?

: Er... I... don't really know yet.. but I'm sure God will help me with this one as well!

After a few more questions and answers like this the boyfriend leaves the room and goes home. The daughter comes to her dad and asks him:

Daughter: So, Dad, how do you like him?

• Also a cockerel or rooster, however jokes featuring a cockerel only really work if you know from the start of the joke he's supposed to be a closet homosexual: these jokes made more sense back when the Soviet Union criminalised homosexuality and have been dying out since the 90’s. This comes from petukh (cockerel) being a Fenya term for a passive homosexual. A typical story would be the Wolf, the hare and a cockerel in a holding cell awaiting trial and telling each other what they are in there for: the Wolf will go on a long story about how he started a fight and beat someone up, but that they deserved it and he doesn’t deserve to be there, the hare will tell an equally long tale where he will come over as a cocky but cowardly thief, black-marketer or conman but that he doesn’t deserve to be there because he’s not really done anything that wrong, and the cockerel will listen to both of their long and complicated stories and then just say “Me, oh. I’m a political prisoner: I pecked [name of unpopular local bigwig/ “Young pioneer”/ “Soviet new man”] in the Arse.”

A Lion is walking around the savannah and meets a zebra. - Hey, you, striped one, who's the strongest in the savannah? - Of course you are! - Of course I am. - Then he meets a monkey. - Hey, you, funny one, who's the nicest in the savannah? - Of course you are! - Of course I am. - Then he meets an elephant. - Hey you, the big-eared one, who's the smartest in the savannah? - The elephant without a word grabs him with his trunk and throws him into a nearby swamp. The lion gets out, cleans himself of the mud and mutters: - Well, why won't you just say: "I don't know".

A Lion is walking through the forest with a notebook in his paws. - Hey you, fox, come here. That's good, tomorrow breakfast will be fox (writes it down). Tomorrow at dawn you come to my lair, I'll eat you for breakfast. Any questions? No questions? Now go. Hey you, wolf, come here. That's good, tomorrow lunch will be wolf (writes it down). Tomorrow at noon you'll come to my lair, I'll eat you for lunch. Any questions? No questions? Now go. Hey you, hare, come here. That's good, tomorrow dinner will be hare (writes it down). Tomorrow at dusk you'll come to my lair, I'll eat you for dinner. Any questions? - And what if I do not come? - Well, let's strike the hare out.

• A man catches a Golden Fish and asks it to make him a Hero of the Soviet Union. The next moment he finds himself with two grenades against five German tanks.
• "Three men, stranded on an island, catch the Golden Fish and are granted one wish each. The first one says: 'I want to go home,' and disappears. The second one says: 'I want to go home, too,' and also disappears. The third one says: 'I'm alone. I want a bottle of vodka and those two to come back here.'"
  • The joke is lost on non-Russians and even some modern Russians, but in the Soviet times three was considered the optimal number of people for collective drinking. The reason for that was that the price of a bottle of vodka was 2 roubles 87 kopecks, so if each person contributed a rouble they could buy a bottle and 13 kopecks' worth of snacks.
  • A similar joke is common in the west, but usually has the three characters as a brunette, a redhead and a blonde. Guess which one wishes for the other two to return?
  • And then there's the other variation with character traits and yet another one with nationalities. Now, guess who's the third nationality?
  • Even more hilarity ensues when different anecdotal archetypes meet together.
  • A New Russian once caught the Golden Fish and offered it three wishes.

(A drunkard is urinating on a wall when a policeman passes by.)

Policeman: What're you doing? There's a public toilet only a block away!

: A block?! What, you think I've got a

in my pants here?!

• A "drunkard joke" with political overtones:

  A man is making his way home after having too much to drink. To steady himself as he walks, he keeps one hand on the fence that borders the road. After a little while, he passes another man, also drunk but lying on the ground, and says to him "Look at yourself! Wallowing in the gutter like a pig! Aren't you ashamed?"
  The other drunk grumbles "Just keep walking, asshole—we'll see what happens when you run out of fence!"

• The first target is their love for drinking:

It is the final end of year exam at the technical university. The exam is just about to begin when a student, obviously inebriated, stumbles through the door.

Student: Sorry, Proffyesur. I'm na' late, right?

Professor: No, you're right on time, in fact.

Student: Say, Professor, would yuh let a ddrunnk shtudent take da exam?

Professor: I certainly would allow it.

Student: (yelling into the hallway): Is 'kay, guys. Wheeel 'em in.

• Another target is their annoying tendency to leave all the studying for several weeks before exams.

A student dies and goes to hell. There the Devil offers him a choice: either he will go to regular hell, or to the version for students. He asks to see both. In regular hell he is told that it is almost normal life, except that every day a nail is driven into one's ass. Ouch! In student hell he's told that it is exactly like real student life. Obviously, he chooses student hell and has half a year of normal life. At the end of the semester the Devil comes with a bucket of nails:

The student:WTF???

The Devil: It is the end of the year and it's time for 'Сессия' ! (literally: several weeks of exams for material studies in previous half a year)

• A third target is the stereotype that students are always poor, in constant need of money, or even starving.

A student walks down the hall and sees other student kick a bun along the wall.

Student: OH MY GOD, are you insane? That's a perfectly edible BUN!

Second student: Shhh! When I kick it out over the corner, we'll share it, ok?

Subversion: "A Toyota car is driving through downtown Moscow on a winter night and stops on a crossing where a policeman is keeping watch. A Japanese tourist gets out and asks the policeman: 'Komban wa. Sumimasen, omawari-san, kono yuki no toshi ni doko de Coca-Cola no kan o koubaishimasu ka?' The policeman hesitates a little, then replies: 'Excuse me, I didn't quite understand... You asked, where in this sad, snowy city you can buy a can of... what exactly?'"

Q: Why do policemen travel in threes?^note They do this in real life.

A: One to read, one to write, and one to keep an eye on the two intellectuals.

• Another version of the same joke:

  Q: Why do policemen travel in threes?

  A: One to read, one to write, and one to keep an eye on the two intellectuals.

  Suddenly, three policemen come from behind.

• And again:

  Why do some policemen have a dog with them when they go on patrol? Because someone has to walk them back to the station at the end of their shift.

• "The prizes for the all-Soviet Union Socialist Competition of police officers have been announced. Third prize is a copy of the Collected Works of Marx and Engels. Second prize is a weekend trip to Sochi. First prize is a portable stop sign." (I.e., the winner could place the sign somewhere unexpected, and pocket all the fines.)

• Chukchi, the native people of Chukotka related to Northwestern Native Americans, are the all-time favorites, often seen as generally primitive, uncivilized and simple-minded, but clever and philosophic in a naive kind of way. They also tend to constantly add "odnako" to their speech (an analogue to the English Like Is, Like, a Comma).

Chukchee: Hey, I was in the city and I purchased a TV.

Geologist: Dude, you need an outlet to plug the TV in!

Do you think I'm silly? I purchased an outlet too!

Another Chukcha was staying in a hotel and saw his first ever power outlet:

: Oh, poor piggy! Who put you in the wall?

Tourist (got lost in Tundra and in panic): People! He-e-elp!

(sitting in his hillock, drinking tea): Ah. So here in Tundra it's "people!". And back in Moscow it's "hey you, plate with ears!", eh?

A Chukcha is spotted playing chess with a polar bear. People say, "Look, such a smart bear!" "Not so smart, - says the Chukcha, - I'm leading 3 to 2!"

A Chukcha is working as a hunting guide for a Russian, out on the tundra. They run across a gigantic polar bear, and the Chukcha shouts "Run! Back to the lodge!" The Russian rolls his eyes and shoots the bear, and the Chukcha says "Russian good shot, but bad hunter. Now we have to drag this bear whole way back!"

A Chukcha is standing on the shore of the Bering Strait, fishing. Suddenly an American submarine surfaces, and a sailor opens the hatch and shouts "Which way to Unalaska?" The Chukcha points, and the sailor calls down "Bearing 175.5, south-southeast!" and shuts the hatch.

A little bit later, a Russian sub surfaces, and a sailor shouts "Which way did the Americans go?" The Chukcha calls "Bearing 175.5, south-southeast!" and the Russian sailor says, "Don't be a smartass—just point!"

• Sometimes, the character of the naive Chuckcha was used to vocalise things an average Soviet citizen would never say.

I've been to Moscow. Seen great placards: "Everything in the name of Man, everything for the good of Man!" Also seen that man.

(referring to the General Secretary of the Communist Party, who could be seen on national holidays receiving parades in Red Square.)

• In the post-Soviet era, a new stereotype of Chukchi has emerged, which is that they are alcoholics. Chukchi music ensemble Ergyron touch on this in their "anti-alcohol song."

• Ukrainians are depicted as rustic, greedy and fond of salo (pork fatback).

An Ukrainian is asked if he can eat 5 kilograms of apples.

"I can."

"And 10 kilograms?"

"I can."

"How about a wagon of apples?"

"I can't, but I will bite them all!"

• They also hate Russians, or "Moskali":

After

's great flight, one Ukrainian shepherd shouts to another on the next hill:

Shepherd: Mykola! The Moskali have flown into space!

Mykola: All of them?

Shepherd: No, just the one.

Mykola: Why are you bothering me then?

• Georgians are perceived as Hot-Blooded, Highlander types and usually very rich (some of the jokes about them were updated with New Russians), oftenly womanizers and sometime proud owners of impossibly large dicks. Also, they have a ludicrous accent (also seen in Stalin jokes) and sometimes are Ambiguously Gay. For instance, it is said that in common showers or public bathhouses it's best not to bend down for soap when Georgians are around.

A group of Georgians is taking a shower. Suddenly one of them drops the only bar of soap. "Well, there goes the bathing", says someone else with a sigh.

Why do Georgian bars have downward-sloping floors? It makes it easier to clean up the blood.

A Georgian comes to an urologist and, without a word, pulls out his member and plops it on the examination table. Doctor: "Does it itch?" Georgian: "No" Doctor: "Does it drip?" Georgian: "No" Doctor: "Then what?" Georgian: "It looks good, yeah?"

A mute Georgian wants to buy condoms. He walks into a drug store, pulls down his pants and puts his dick on the counter, along with some money. The pharmacist pulls down his pants too, puts his dick on the counter, and since his one is longer, he takes the money.

• Also, widely perceived as buying their way through life (for a Soviet Republic, Georgia enjoyed a good amount of economic freedom and Georgians tended to be rich compared to the rest of the population). At the same time, their adherence to highlander honor was recognised.

A Georgian in a restaurant gazes fondly at his new Ph.D. degree. The waiter asks sarcastically: "Expensive, was it?" "

?" replies the Georgian indignantly. "It's a gift from my friends!"

• In the 90s, many Georgians took to selling their national fast foods (often with ingredients of poor quality and/or dubious origin) on the streets in large Russian cities.

  "Hey mister, did this meat bark or meow?" "It asked stupid questions."

• Armenians. Same as Georgians. Minus the Hotblooded part, enforce the homosexual tendencies, or at least fondness for anal sex. A meta joke has people telling Georgians jokes about Armenians and vice versa.

Why are all Armenians so lucky? Because even Luck is afraid to turn his back on them.

• The fictional Armenian Radio is used in jokes with questions and answers (usually revolving around sex and politics).

  Q: Will the new world war happen?

  Armenian Radio: No, but there'll be such a struggle for peace that not one stone will be left upon another.

• Another Radio Yerevan joke:

  Q: Is it true that freedom of speech is the same in USSR as in USA?

• Or this one:

  Q: How do you make Turkish coffee?

• Or this one:

  Q: What is prohibited and what is permitted?

  A: Well, in England, what is permitted is permitted, and what is prohibited is prohibited. In America, everything is permitted, except for that which is prohibited. In France, everything is permitted, including that which is prohibited. In Germany, everything is prohibited, except for that which is permitted. And in the Soviet Union, everything is prohibited, including that which is permitted.

• Finally:

  Peope ask the Armenian radio, what is the friendship of all nations? We reply: it's when the people of all Earth: Armenians, Azerbaijanians, Russians, Ukrainians, Germans, Frenchmen, Americans, all of them will gather in one place, hold their hands and go kick some Georgian ass.

• Armenians are also obsessed (justifiably) with being persecuted:

  Old Armenian on deathbed: My children, above all else, treasure the Jews.

  Children: Why the Jews, father?

  Old Armenian: Because once they are dealt with, we will be next!

• Estonians and Finns are commonly seen as very slow-witted (partly due to their tendency to speak Russian very slowly compared to native speakers) and ironically referred to as "Hot-Blooded Estonian/Finnish guys".

  Announcer in the Helsinki subway: [In Finnish] Theee neeeext staaation iiis... Heeere it iiis... [In Swedish] Theee staaation riiight behiiind uuus waaas...

  • Finns also have a memetic ability to withstand cold, although not quite as well as Siberians:

  At -10 degrees Celsius, heating is switched on in British homes, while Finns change into a long-sleeved shirt. At -20, Austrians fly to Málaga, while Finns celebrate midsummer. At -200, hell freezes over and Finland wins the Eurovision Song Contest. At -273 absolute zero temperature is reached, all atom movement ceases. The Finns shrug and say: "Perkele, a bit chilly today, isn't it?". The Siberians start to wear bath robes when smoking on the balcony.

• Jews. See Rabinovich above.
• Chinese. Most jokes revolve around their sheer numbers and sometimes backwardness mixed with ambition and a supposedly subservient populace.

  As a measure to curb population growth, the Chinese Government decided to launch 100,000 astronauts on a one-way expedition to the Sun.

  The Chinese Government asked for help in curbing population growth. Europeans, Americans and Japanese all offered latest developments in birth control, but they were all too slow and expensive. The Russians offered to do it for free and in an instant, and won the contract. So they lined up 100 million Chinese males, and commanded: "Ten-hut! Put down your pants! Turn to your right! Bend down and take your neighbour's balls in your mouth!" Then a soldier came to one end of the line, and kicked the first Chinese in the balls. The sound of "Chomp, chomp, chomp..." receded in the distance...

  • China's Great Leap Forward, which tried to compensate lack of technology with combined forces and enthusiasm, gave birth to a bunch of jokes.

  A new Chinese plane crashed recently. Casualties: the passenger, 7 crew members and 3,000 pedallers.

  The modern Chinese anti-tank squad consists of a thousand Chinese soldiers armed with wrenches. Their goal is to take the tank apart before it shoots.

  Two submarines, one U.S. and one Chinese, collided in the Yellow Sea yesterday. American casualties: 50 sailors. Chinese casualties: 3,000 oarsmen.

  In other news, the Chinese space expedition exceeded expectations: 200,000 Chinese didn't let go of the slingshot in time, and were launched into space along with the spacecraft.

• Alternatively, the jokes are about Chinese language, whose words often sound inherently funny or obscene to a Russian ear.
• The late Russian author Vasily Aksyonov told a story about a Soviet army officer he encountered in the late 1960's, at a time when tensions between the Soviet Union and China were at an all-time high, to the level of open battles on their mutual border. Anyway, the officer was crying his eyes out, and Aksyonov asked why. The other man sobbed, "If the Chinese invade us, they'll confiscate my new motorcycle!" Replied Aksyonov, "Aren't you worried that, if we go to war with the United States, the Americans would confiscate your motorcycle?" The officer stopped crying, looked at Aksyonov as though the latter were an idiot and replied scornfully, "Don't be stupid, comrade. The Americans respect private property."
  • This relates to a particularly dark joke/observation about students in Soviet universities (analogous to one invented in Germany at the end of World War II):

Optimistic students take English. Pessimistic students take Chinese.

Realists take Kalashnikov assault rifle.

• Africans. In jokes, they are usually exchange students suffering from cold weather and explicit (yet unintended) racist sayings by straightforward Russians.

An African exchange student writes a letter to his family:

"Dear Mom and Dad, my life here is unbearable. I could endure green winter, but when white winter came..."

• An African student met on his turf in an anecdote is likely to be a chief of a Cannibal Tribe.

Two African tribes established an alliance and conquered the third. One of victorious chiefs tells another while eating the defeated chief: "Not very tasty". "Yep. Though still better than what we had to eat at Lumumba University refectory". (Lumumba University is a university in Moscow that specializes on educating foreigners, mostly from Third World countries).

• Russians. Largely self-referential humor, which sets Russian ethnic jokes apart from most others. The Russians are depicted as simple-minded, negligently careless, fond of alcohol but physically robust. Sometimes fatalistic about the general state of affairs.

An American, a French guy and a Russian are on death row. They are put into empty detention cells, given two large steel spheres each and told they will be released if they can do something extraordinary with them. The next morning, their captors check on them. The American has managed to balance one sphere perfectly on top of the other. "Clever," say the judges, and they let him go. The Frenchman does a show in which he juggles them every way possible. "Impressive," say the judges, and they let him go. When they come to the Russian, they find him sitting there holding his head in despair. "What's the matter? Where'd your spheres go?" the judges ask him, astonished. He replies: "

"

An American, a Frenchman and a Russian are all captured by the Nazis and sentenced to death. Each is allowed to choose the method of execution. The Frenchman goes first, and chooses a guillotine. But the guillotine is not working, so they set him free. As he passes by the American, he whispers: "The guillotine is broken", so the American also chooses the guillotine, and is also set free. As the American passes by the Russian, he whispers: "The guillotine is broken". "Well, since the guillotine is broken, - says the Russian, - then give me the firing squad!"

A Russian spy is caught by Nazis during WWII. They torture him all night long, but he doesn't tell them anying. They put him back in the cell and observe secretly through the peep-hole. The Russian is hitting himself on the head and saying: "Here's one for the restaurants! Here's one for the girls! I knew I should have been learning codes and secret addresses!" Finally he manages to escape. To his comrades, he says: "Guys, learn all this stuff! Or they beat the crap out of you in there!"

An American, a French guy and a Russian are sitting next to bonfire. The American says: "You know, I'm very proud of my nation. For example, I can swim 5 kilometers, run 20 kilometers, and not even break a sweat after all of this!". The Frenchman says: "Meh, our nation is way better. For example, I can swim 10 kilometers, run 40 kilometers, and not even break a sweat after all of this!". The Russian remained silent, only stirring the bonfire with his dick.

Officer: Dig from the fence till dinner!

The sine of alpha during wartime may go up to ten. (The sine of, ergh, any real angle, is within [-1,1] interval. Sincerely,

.)

Officer: There are two opinions: mine and erroneous ones.

Officer: Neither the party nor the army nor me recognize the concept of free time.

Officer: In case of problems, carry on until I tell you there is one.

I believe in respect; give me respect or I'll take it from your teeth.

Student [at a military academy examination]: A shell launched from a cannon will fly in an arc towards Earth.

Examining officer [with a cunning grin]: And if a cannon lies on its side, will a shell from it fly around the corner?

Student: Yes sir, it would! But that's against the regulations! (Variation: Yes, it would! But a Soviet soldier would never fire from behind a corner!)

NCO to the recruits: And water boils at 90 degrees!

Recruit: Sir, the water boils at 100 degrees!

The NCO isn't amused and orders 20 push-ups. He goes to the office and checks out the book.

NCO returns and says: Recruit, you are right! Water indeed does boil at 100 degrees. It's a straight angle that boils at 90!

The Foreign and Defence Minister comes in to see Gorbachev. The Foreign Minister places an object on Gorbachev's desk.

Gorbachev: What is that?

: It is a gift from the Americans, a model of a

.

Gorbachev: What is a neutron bomb?

Defence Minister: It is a nuclear weapon that destroys living things, but leaves possessions and property intact.

Gorbachev: That is terrible! How should we respond?

: [after considering the question for a bit] We send a Warrant Officer! They destroy possessions and property, but leave living things intact.

Two generals, Smirnov and Chernov, call for a Warrant Officer. Smirnov wants a new car and Chernov calls because nobody seems to be able to fix his car.

Both Generals: Are you finished, comrade praporschik?

Warrant Officer Yes, comrade general Smirnov and comrade general Chernov.

General Chernov: It's been twenty minutes and you say that my car is already fixed. Prove it.

Warrant Officer: Yes, sir. Comrade general Chernov, please follow me.

General Chernov: (incredulous): *Starts car* It works! But wasn't this Smirnov's car?

Warrant Officer: It is your car now, sir.

General Chernov: Indeed it is. But what about my old car?

: (shouting from a distance): Praporschik, this new car of mine won't fucking start!

Commander: Praporschik, have you fixed my four broken down tanks yet?

Warrant Officer: Yes, sir. Not a problem to be seen.

: (Looking outside): Or a tank for that matter.

A guard is standing at a checkpoint at the exit of a military base. He sees a warrant officer rolling a handcart through the checkpoint. "It's a warrant officer" - thinks the guard. - "He must be stealing something".

Guard: What's in the handcart?

Warrant Officer: Just pig dung.

The guard rolls up his sleeves and rummages through dung with his hands, finding nothing. He lets the warrant officer go. The situation repeats one more time, two more times, three more times. Finally, the guard asks directly:

Guard: Comrade praporschik, what in the world are you stealing?

: Hand carts, you know.

A Nazi sniper is looking through his scope, waiting for a Soviet officer to appear. When one does, he peers at the officer's rank insignia and then looks through the manual, which says "Colonel - 100 Reichsmark bonus". Happily, he looks through the scope again, but the officer is already gone. Some time passes. He spots another officer, looks at his rank insignia, and finds it in the manual. "General - 200 Reichsmark bonus". The officer is once again already gone by the time he looks. Determined not to screw up again, he waits for another officer, shoots him first, then starts looking through the manual. "Warrant Officer (note: sows demoralization through own ranks) 500 Reichsmark fine".

The Japanese have bought a license for an advanced Russian jet. They assemble it exactly by the blueprints, and it turns out to be a steam locomotive. They check the blueprints, gather their best engineers and assemble it again. Still locomotive. They file a complaint to the Russians, so the Russian team arrives, goes into the workshop and shortly produces a perfectly good jet. The Japanese are astonished: "We've tried it again and again and only got a steam train!" "Why, of course", reply the Russians, "did you

? First you get a steam train. And then you work on it with a rasp."

The Japanese (who in late-Soviet era stereotyped as bleeding edge high-tech, legit for the times) are visiting Soviet Union in a friendly "exchange of expertise". They visit cities, plants, R & D centers... And eventually the program is concluded, Japanese delegation is about to board the plane home. "So, what do you think? How do you like USSR?" - Russians ask. "We cannot help but comment your children. Beautiful, smart, energetic!" - Japanese reply. "Thank you! And what else?" - "Your children are just brilliant, really." But Russians insist: "Yes, but what you think of our technology? Manufacturing? R & D?" - "Yes, Russian children are very, very good. And what you do using your hands is quite bad."

The CIA placed a bug in a Soviet rocket factory to gain intelligence about the manufacturing process. After six months of careful listening, the Americans had learned that Soviet rockets seemed to consist of

, with all three parts being completely interchangeable.

• Some industrial jokes involve the idea that many factories could be easily retooled for wartime uses.

Ask me why are Soviet macaroni so thick and ugly. - Why? - Because their caliber is 7.62.

A man works at a factory producing cradles. His pregnant wife urges him to steal a part every day in order to build a bed for their coming baby. After a month or so, the man has collected all the parts and starts assembling the cradle. After a while, his wife comes in to check what's taking so long.

: I just don't get it. No matter how I put it together, I keep getting a machinegun.

• This last one was likely adapted from a joke popular in Nazi Germany about a worker who, fed up waiting for his Volkswagen, instead decides to steal parts from the assembly line, only to end up with a halftrack.

"Nurse, where're we going?"

"To the morgue."

"But I am not dead yet!"

"Well, we are not there yet, either." (variation: "Doctor said - morgue, so morgue it is!")

• Sometimes involves more-or-less religious material as well, since the Soviet regime tended to punish the free expression of both religion and black humor (and then people engaged in both anyway as soon as the humorless atheist officials' backs were turned).

A peasant dies and goes to Hell, but discovers when he gets there that there are actually two versions of Hell: Capitalist Hell and Communist Hell. Since he's never actually seen a capitalist system before, he decides to have a look at Capitalist Hell first. When he gets there, he finds a huge empty antechamber with a demon who looks a lot like Ronald Reagan standing at the gates.

Peasant: "So, what is Capitalist Hell like?"

Reagan: "Well, in Capitalist Hell, first we flay all the flesh off your bones with our whips, then we boil you in oil for a while, and finally we cut you to pieces with our knives and scatter you all over the room."

Peasant: "Augh! That's hideous! Forget you! I'm going to go try Communist Hell instead!"

So the peasant goes to Communist Hell. When he gets there, he finds an enormous line of people awaiting entry that's backed up all the way out of the antechamber. Being used to waiting in lines, of course, he stands in this one for as long as it takes, which is for more than a month. When he finally gets up near the gates, he sees a demon who looks a lot like Karl Marx standing at the gates and looking very exasperated at how slowly the line is moving.

Peasant: "So, what is Communist Hell like?"

Marx: "*Sigh* Do I have to explain this again? All right. In Communist Hell, first we flay all the flesh off your bones with our whips, then we boil you in oil for a while, and finally we cut you to pieces with our knives and scatter you all over the room."

Peasant: "Augh! That's just as hideous as Capitalist Hell! But... why is there this long line, comrade?"

: "*Sigh* Well, sometimes we run out of knives, sometimes there's an oil shortage, and other times we don't have enough leather for the whips, and sometimes all the demons are away on a Party meeting..."

Satan is giving a politician a tour of Hell. They come to a huge kettle at which a lot of demons are gathered and busy thrusting away at all the people being boiled in it with their tridents.

Satan: "This is where we keep the Jews. They're a troublesome lot, these Hebrews; every time one of them tries to escape, the others all follow his lead, so they keep our guards really busy."

Next they come to another huge kettle in which just a few demons are gathered around mostly leaning on their tridents and looking bored.

Satan: "This is where we keep the Poles. They're only a little trouble, since every time one of them tries to escape, the others just ignore him. We only have to keep a few guards around to make sure none of them ever gets out."

Finally, they come to another kettle just as big as the others, but there's no one guarding it.

: "This is where we keep the Russians. Whenever one of them tries to escape, the others all grab him by the heels and drag him back in!"

• Sometimes, it is added that the water in the kettle is only lukewarm, because otherwise, the Russians get mad and tie every single demon in a knot.

Karl Marx dies and stands trial before St. Peter.

St. Peter: "The ideas you preach have brought misery to billions. I send you to the deepest pits of Hell!"

After a few months Satan calls God:

Satan: "God, please remove Marx from my realm as soon as it is possible."

God: "Why would I do that? He is a sinner, his fate is to burn in Hell."

Satan: "He is creating great turmoil! First he made all the imps pioneers, then he started to unite the devils into labor unions, and now he's preparing a revolution!"

God agrees to take Marx in Heaven so that Hell does not break loose. After a few months Satan calls God again:

Satan: "Hey, God, how's it going?"

: "First of all, comrade Satan, you are to address me properly as "comrade God". Second, I do not have time since Marx has urgently called me on a party session, and third, there is no God."

Hitler and Stalin meet in Hell, each standing in a pool of blood. Hitler's pool comes up to his neck, Stalin's only to his waist.

Hitler: How come? You killed many more people than I did, but there is less blood on you.

: Yes, but I am standing on Lenin's shoulders.

When

became General Secretary of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union, he went home to his village to tell his elderly mother.

Brezhnev: Mama, you would not believe how far I've come. I now have a personal motor car and chauffeur who drives me wherever I want to go. I have an apartment in the Kremlin, better than you can imagine. I shop at a store only for Party members where I buy things not available anywhere else. And now that I am General Secretary, you can have all this too.

: All this is very fine, Leonid, but what will you do if the Communists come to power and confiscate your wealth?

During the 1930s, a Party commissioner is inspecting a typical farming village. He goes to the headman and asks how the potato harvest has gone.

Headman: Comrade, the potatoes, when piled up, reach to the feet of God!

Commissioner: Excellent! But, I hope you're aware that God doesn't actually exist.

Headman: Indeed. Nor do the potatoes!

• "Sadist couplets", forming a good chunk of children's folklore but not limited to it. Involves heavy machinery, lost military hardware, Ax-Crazy people, etc. Usually Crosses the Line Twice in the first two lines and then each next tries to top the previous one.
  • The rhyme "I got bitten by a hippopotamus... So now I'm here and my leg's over there" is so mild a search shows it's recommended for a summer camp game that involves tracking the narrator's appendages already removed by that hippo in the long version. And a reminder that you don't want to play a chew toy for an ill-tempered living truck, however superfluous it seems to be.
  • Here is an example of a less mild one:

  'A girl in the field had once found a razor

  "What is this, daddy?" she asked in amazement.

  "It is a harmonica." daddy then says

  ...And wider and wider

  the grin

  on her face.

• Some serious sicknesses are portrayed in a light-hearted manner as well. For instance, people with dystrophy are presented as fully able physically, but unnaturally thin and light:
  • A few patients in a hospital decide to play a game of hide-and-seek. Ultimately, everyone is found except the man with dystrophy. After the player who who was "it" gives up, the man with dystrophy comes out of hiding, grinning. Player: "Where were you?" Man with dystrophy: "Behind the fishing rod." Player: "I looked behind the fishing rod, you weren't there!" Man with dystrophy: "You didn't look behind the line."
  • A doctor walks into the dystrophy ward. "Hello, eagles!" "We're not eagles, we're suffering from dystrophy." "Really, then who was flying around the ward yesterday?" "It wasn't our fault. The nurse forgot to shut off the vacuum cleaner upstairs."
• Asylums. The stock joke is that the personnel isn't so different from their patients. The stock insanity is Napoleon Delusion.

  At the CYKA Asylum, a speaker comes in from the Party and gives a speech to the people there about how great Communism is. At the crescendo of his speech, he notices that there is one person who is not cheering excitedly. The speaker asks him "Why are you so discontent, Comrade?" The man replies "I'm not insane - I work here."

  • Incidentally, there's a similar joke about Mussolini.

• Something like: My love to your mother is measured in kilometres (between us).
• A man is greeting his mother-in-law and asks her how long she'll be staying. She replies, "Well, until you grow tired of me." "Really? You're not even going to stick around for tea?"
• The joke "On a mother-in-law's funeral two bayans^note a type of accordion were torn" got so overused that any boring old joke is called "bayan" nowadays.

• A man came home after a business trip. The same day in the middle of the night a naked man with a knife jumps out of the wardrobe and shouts: "I am fugitive criminal Ivanov!" and then run through the door. A few seconds after that another naked man jumps out of the wardrobe and shouts "I am police detective Petrov, have you seen where fugitive criminal Ivanov went?" The confused husband gestured to the door. "Thank you, citizen - SWAT team, follow me!"
• A man comes home from a business trip. The wife opens the bedroom window and whispers to the lover: "Jump!" The lover responds: "Are you nuts? We're on the 13th floor!" Wife: "Jump, there's no time for superstitions!"
• Here is how men of different nationalities handle coming home from work and seeing their wives in bed with other men.
  • American men - "Ma'am, I demand a divorce!"
  • British men - "Pardon me, I seem to have come at a bad time."
  • French men - "May I join you?"
  • Russian men - "What the fuck do you think you're doing? We still don't have any fish, and the queue is two blocks long!"
• In heaven, God has decided that only the people with the worst death stories may enter. So the first guy shows up and god asks him what his story is. The man says "I came home from a business trip to finding my wife naked in our bed, with our balcony door open. I knew she was cheating so I ran outside and saw a guy hanging on the balcony. So I took my hammer and hit his fingers until he fell. But he landed in some garbage and survived. So I took our wardrobe and hurled it off the balcony to finish him off. But it was too heavy, and I had a heart attack, so here I am." God thinks and lets him in. The next man comes up and God asks him what his story is. He says "I was working out on my balcony when I slipped and fell off. But I got lucky: I grabbed on to my downstairs neighbors balcony. But suddenly, this asshole comes out and starts hammering at my fingers until I fell off again. But I got lucky again: I fell on some soft garbage and survived. But this asshole then runs out onto his balcony and throws a damn wardrobe at me, so here I am." God thinks and lets him in. The next man comes up. God says "So, what's your story?" "Well," says the man, "imagine this: I'm hiding in a wardrobe..."
• A husband returns home from the internet...

A drug addict can get no job, for he's just too slow. Finally, he was hired by the zoo to clean the turtles cage. When the zoo officials came to check his work, he is found sitting in an empty cage. "You know, I only opened the door, and they all rushed out so fast..."

• Two drug addicts are talking on the ninth-floor balcony.

First: What do you think, if I fall down from here, how long will I fall?

Second: I don't know. Maybe, a week, maybe a month.

First: So I'll die?

Second: Of course you will. Just imagine, falling down for the whole month, with no food, no water, no weed.

NKVD major: "We arrested this man for treason!"

Stalin (with an untranslatable thick Georgian accent): "What did he do?"

NKVD major: "He was saying: "Damn that mustached bastard for ruining the country!""

Stalin: "Is that so? And who did you mean by that, comrade?"

Russian everyman: "Naturally I meant Hitler, comrade Stalin!"

"And who did

mean, comrade major?" ("A

, tavarisch mayor?" in original "Russian"; the "vi" instead of "vy" is a particularly common Georgian accent trope. Emphasizing "you" when it could make someone sweat was his habit in

.)

• A good illustrated example of such a joke: Hitler vs. Stalin, by Alexey Lipatov, with translations from Thomas Silbey. Featuring Stupid Jet Pack Hitler / Soviet Superscience, as well as Ghostapo and whatever its Soviet equivalent might be.
• Stalin is giving a speech at the Party Congress, when in the middle of a pause someone sneezes. He asks who sneezed, but there is total silence. He continues to ask, finally threatening to have the front row shot if no one owns up. No one does, so the guards open fire on the first row. Still no one confesses, so they shoot the second row, the third row, etc. Finally the culprit can't take it anymore and yells out "I did it! I'm the one who sneezed!" Stalin responds "Bless you, comrade!"
• Stalin, Khruschev, Brezhnev and Gorbachov are traveling along the country when the train breaks down and stops moving. Stalin gets up, says to the other three, "I'll handle this," walks to the head of the train and shoots the conductor. He then returns and the four of them sit for awhile, the train still doesn't move. So Khruschev gets up, says "I will fix this," hires a new conductor, gives him higher wages, then goes back to his seat. The train still isn't moving. Brezhnev turns to his colleagues and says, "Comrades, I have the solution. Let us pull down the shades and pretend the train is moving". Gorbachov, bored to hell, runs out of the train, soon returns and says: "Comrades, I've found out why we aren't moving. The rails ahead of us are missing. Let's dismantle the rails behind the train and put them in front!" They exit the train and start disassembling the rails and dragging them ahead. When they repair the tracks completely, they find out that the train is gone: Yeltsin stole it.
• Supplemented recently with the jokes about the peculiar nature of the Putin/Medvedev duo, namely the ambiguous distribution of power between them:

  Medvedev makes last-minute preparations for a speech. His aide suddenly addresses him:

  "Dmitry Anatolievych, you've got a string caught on your sleeve. Oh, and on the other one too!"

  Putin intervenes:

  "Leave them be. These are much needed strings."

  Putin and all the other senior Russian officials are having a dinner at the restaurant. Waiter starts taking orders:

  "What will you have, Vladimir Vladimirovich?"

  Putin says: "I will have meat: a steak, kebab and some bacon."

  "Vladimir Vladimirovich, and how about the vegetables?"

  (Taking a short look around): "Vegetables will also have meat."

  "Vladmir, I don't think I will have the time to mow the lawn before the news, may I do it after?

  "Of course, Dmitry, you are the president after all."

  • This one also contains a bit of Ho Yay, since the original joke was about a husband and a wife, ending with "You are the man of the family, after all".

  Medvedev decides to follow Putin's steps and go fishing, and suddenly he catches a golden fish. A fish offers him three wishes. "Okay", he thinks, "there's a proverb that Russia has two major troubles: fools and roads. So I'll fix the things with fools, roads and get myself a next generation iPhone". "Fix the roads" he says, and at once all Russian roads are covered with excellent pavement, all bridges are repaired, new ones are built, so the roads look like German ones. "Now fix the fools", he says, and in an instant he changes his mind about an iPhone.

• As said before, Jewish humor and political humor often goes hand in hand in Russia. A notable example is this:

  Brezhnev flies into Odessa (one of the most Jewish cities in the former USSR) and is walking around. He notices that no one is there to greet him. He stops a cop and, complaining about no one noticing him, takes the man's gun and shoots it into the air. Still nothing happens, and no one comes out. So Brezhnev fires again. This time, a window above him opens, and a Jew leans out. He yells across the street "MONYA! What's going on?" Monya, across the street, opens his window and yells back "IZYA! Didn't you hear? Brezhnev came to visit!" Izya: "I heard that. Did the first bullet miss?"

and

have agreed to temporarily exchange secretaries as a sign of peace. After awhile, Clinton's secretary writes back to Washington, "Everything is fine, but the President keeps asking me to lengthen my skirt. Pretty soon, my feet won't be visible at all." Yeltsin's secretary writes back to Moscow, "Everything is fine, but the President keeps asking me to shorten my skirt. Pretty soon, my holster and balls will be visible."

• And another one involving the dual purpose of some hardware:

TASS is reporting that there was an incident yesterday on the Sino-Soviet border. A peacefully-plowing tractor was subject to an unprovoked attack by Chinese forces. The tractor retaliatory barrage suppressed the enemy artillery. TASS is authorized to declare that, should the incident be repeated, the area will be reinforced with seed drills, winnowings and VTOL threshing machines, and noone will be held responsible if a couple of Chinese provinces lay in ruins. (TASS is the Soviet/Russian news agency.)

Turkmenian historians wrote a book about the bloody crimes of the Soviets. Russian soldiers invaded their towns, leaving in their wake schools, hospitals and libraries and imprisoning innocent people whos only crime was slaughtering the neighbor's family.

• A lot of people, especially in Baltic states, changed their names to the local models.

A Latvian man comes out of his house and whistles for his dog:

- Sharik, Sharik, come to me!

No response. He repeats it, still to no avail. Finally, he remembers:

- Sharikas! Sharikas!

- Woofs! Woofs!

A group of students in a dorm are drinking late at night and telling political jokes. One of them is tired and wants to sleep. He goes down to the lobby and asks the lady on duty to come up to the dorm with cups of coffee in a few minutes. He goes back up, waits a minute, picks up a vase, and speaks into it, "Comrade Major, please bring us some coffee." A minute later, the lady shows up with the coffee. All the students go quiet. In the morning, the student wakes up and sees that he's alone. He goes down to the lobby and asks the lady where everyone went.

: Comrade Captain liked your little joke about Major.

Two men are drinking in a train coach, exchanging political jokes. Suddenly, one says he need to leave.

- So you need to turn over a tape in your hidden recorder?

- Yes.

- Never mind then, you can copy mine later.

A

agent, a CIA agent, and a KGB agent are in the woods and told to find a bear. They go off and search for a while, after which the

agent and the CIA agent return emptyhanded. "After searching the woods," the

agent says, "I have been unable to find a bear." "After searching the woods," the CIA agent says, "I have determined that bears do not exist." At that point their attention is drawn by a sound in the woods. Upon investigating, they find the KGB agent beating a rabbit. "We already have confessions from your friends and family!" he yells, "Admit that you're a bear!"

- (with a distinctive Jewish accent) Hello, is it KGB? - Yes, it is. - What time is it now? - Quarter to eight. - Hello, is it KGB? What time is it now? - Ten minutes to eight. - Hello, KGB? What time is it now? - Rabinovich, stop this now, come and get back the freakng alarm clock we confiscated while searching your room.

• Russia and the U.S. agreed to destroy all nuclear weapons, detonating them in outer space. A week later, the U.S. President called Putin:
  "Hey Putin, we've secretly kept 12 Trident missiles. You're done for. Surrender within 24 hours."
  Russia's General Staff were pulling their hair out, debating, when a timid officer outside asked:
  "What's going on? Report!"
  "Vladimir Vladimirovich, a lieutenant in Krasnoyarsk was too drunk and forgot to destroy 40 Sarmat missiles. How should we deal with him?"
  "First of all, he's no 'lieutenant', he's General Lieutenant. Second, send him 100 barrels of vodka. As long as he's drinking, nobody can defeat us."
• One day, President Putin visited a plastic surgeon to change his appearance. The doctor asked:
  "Vladimir Vladimirovich, what kind of look do you want?"
  "Like this," Putin said, holding up a picture of Lenin.
  "Why Lenin? Are you a fan?"
  "No, it's just that there are already 6,000 Lenin statues in Russia. If I look like him, they won't have to bother sculpting new ones of me."
• Vladimir Putin and Hillary Clinton argued about who had the better bathroom. Clinton invited Putin over to her house first. Inside, there was a red button. When Putin pressed it, automated systems showered, dried, and dressed him perfectly.
  Next, Clinton tried Putin's bathroom, which also had a red button. She pressed it repeatedly, but nothing happened. Annoyed, she bathed herself, occasionally pressing the button in frustration, to no effect.
  Afterward, she complained to Putin:
  "Your button doesn't work at all."
  "What do you mean it doesn't? Sputnik just uploaded about 100 pictures of you."
• President Putin called Gazprom:
  "Hey, have you finished building the gas pipeline to China?"
  "Yes, Vladimir Vladimirovich."
  "Have you started the gas flow yet?"
  "Not yet. The Chinese are crawling back up the pipeline in droves."
• A publishing house was on the verge of bankruptcy when an artist came in and offered to design book covers, potentially saving the company. Sure enough, after they released books with his covers, sales skyrocketed. But only for a month—then the FSB showed up and arrested the artist.
  "Why are you arresting me? This is a free country!"
  "Listen, artist. The first time, you used a picture of Medvedev for the book Nakhalyonok (The Naughty Kid), and we let it slide. Then you illustrated Khalyavshchiki (Freeloaders) with a picture of the State Duma—we still held back. But when you used a photo of President Putin and his ministers for Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves, that was the last straw!"
• 140 million Russians arrived at the gates of Heaven. God said:
  "There are so many of you, you might as well elect a president here."
  "Putin! We want Putin!" the Russians shouted.
  "That won't work," God sighed. "Putin isn't here yet. His bunker was too secure—even a nuclear warhead couldn't get through."
• An old woman got on a bus and saw a young man sitting with his eyes closed, pretending not to notice a pregnant woman standing in front of him. She said:
  "Son, you look just like Putin."
  "Really? In what way?" the young man asked excitedly, opening his eyes.
  "You sit there like a useless log and don't give up your seat for anyone."
• How did President Putin "help Russia stop kneeling"? He just wanted to switch positions—doing it the same way gets boring after a while.