Almost all of the characters in Harry Potter—as well as the author herself—are very snarky. A few specific examples:
Vernon Dursley: I don't mean to be rude –
Dumbledore: – yet, sadly, accidental rudeness occurs alarmingly often. Best to say nothing at all, my dear man.
Good evening, Amycus. And you've brought Alecto too…
charming…Think your little jokes'll help you on your deathbed then?
[…] Is that you, Fenrir?
That's right. Pleased to see me, Dumbledore?
No, I cannot say that I am.
Hagrid: I— I've been away for me health.
Umbridge: (Looking at Hagrid's many bruises) For your health. I see.
Hagrid: Yeah, bit o'— o' fresh air, yeh know—
Umbridge: Yes, as gamekeeper, fresh air must be so difficult to come by.
Draco: Honestly, if you were any slower, you'd be going backwards.
Lupin: Now, without wands... after me. Riddikulus.
Class: Riddikulus.
Lupin: Very good. Even louder, very clear. Riddikulus.
Draco: This class is ridiculous.
Draco: Well, I can certainly see why we're trying to keep them alive. Who wouldn't want pets that can burn, sting, and bite all at once?
Dudley: I heard you last night. Talking in your sleep. Moaning. [...] "Don't kill Cedric! Don't kill Cedric!" Who's Cedric — your boyfriend?
1st Weasley Twin: Oh, are you a prefect, Percy? You should have said something, we had no idea.
2nd Weasley Twin: Hang on, I think I remember him saying something about it. Once—
1st Weasley Twin: Or twice—
2nd Weasley Twin: A minute—
1st Weasley Twin: All summer—
Mrs. Weasley: Oh, that's wonderful! That's everyone in the family!
George: What are Fred and I? Next door neighbors?
Moody: Arthur and Fred—
Twin: I'm George. Can't you even tell us apart when we're Harry?
Moody: Sorry, George—
Fred: I'm only yanking your wand, I'm Fred really—
Moody: (angrily) Enough messing around!
Dudley: They flush people's heads down the toilet first day at Stonewall. Want to practice?
Harry: No thanks. The poor toilet's never had anything as horrible as your head in it; it might be sick. (runs for it before Dudley can figure out what he said)
Harry (while looking into the bowl): Oh, I didn't realize it had to be so wet.
Petunia: Don't be stupid, I'm dyeing some of Dudley's old things gray for you. It'll look just like everyone else's when I've finished.
Dudley: I know what day it is.
Harry: Well done. You've finally learned the days of the week.
Uncle Vernon: Dumpy sort of woman... load of children with red hair?
Narration: Harry frowned. He thought it was a bit rich of Uncle Vernon to call anyone 'dumpy', when his own son had finally achieved what he'd been threatening to do since the age of three, and become wider than he was tall.
Dudley: Not this brave at night, are you?
Harry: This is night, Diddykins. That's what we call it when it goes all dark like this.
Harry: Not as stupid as you look, are you, Dud? But I s'pose, if you were, you wouldn't be able to walk and talk at the same time.
Harry: Yeah? Did he say you look like a pig that's been taught to walk on its hind legs? 'Cause that's not cheek, Dud, that's true…
Draco: You're dead, Potter.
Harry: Funny, you'd think I'd have stopped walking around...
Draco: You think you're such a big man, Potter. You wait. I'll have you. You can't land my father in prison.
Harry: I thought I just had.
Draco: You see, I, unlike you, have been made a prefect, which means that I, unlike you, have the power to hand out punishments.
Harry: Yeah, but you, unlike me, are a git.
Harry: Yeah, Quirrell was a great teacher. There was just that minor drawback of him having Lord Voldemort sticking out of the back of his head!
Uncle Vernon: Watching the news? Again?
Harry: Well, it changes every day, you see.
Do something, Potter! Tell them I mean no harm!
I'm sorry, professor, but
I must not tell lies.
Harry: And they'd love to have me. We'd be best pals if they didn't keep trying to do me in.
Why do you think—
Dumbledore would have given me the sword?
note of Gryffindor…maybe he thought it would look nice on my wall.
This is not a joke, Potter! ...did he give you that sword, Potter, because he believed, as do many,
that you are the one destined to destroy He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named?
Interesting theory. Has anyone ever tried
sticking a sword in Voldemort? Maybe the Ministry should put some people onto that, instead of wasting their time stripping down Deluminators or covering up breakouts from Azkaban.
Hagrid: What're you doin' here? Get outta my house!
Lucius: My dear man, please believe me, I have no pleasure at all in being inside your—er—d'you call this a house?
Madam Pomfrey: I'm keeping you in overnight. You shouldn't overexert yourself for a few hours.
Harry: I don't want to stay overnight. I want to find McLaggen and kill him!
Madam Pomfrey: I'm afraid that would come under the heading of overexertion.
I am not aware that it is any of your business what goes on in my house—
I expect what you're not aware of
would fill several books, Dursley.
Ron: That was bloody brilliant!
McGonagall: Well, thank you for that assessment, Mr. Weasley. Perhaps it would be more useful if I were to transfigure Mr. Potter or yourself into a pocket watch. That way, one of you might be on time.
Harry: We got lost.
McGonagall: Then perhaps a map? I trust you don't need to one find your seats?
McGonagall: I hardly think that matters, Sybil, unless there is a mad axeman waiting outside the hall to decapitate the first person to leave.
McGonagall: You look perfectly healthy to me, Potter, so you'll forgive me if I don't let you off homework. I assure you that if you die, you need not hand it in.
McGonagall: Well, I'm glad that you listen to Hermione Granger, at any rate.
Umbridge: I was just wondering, Professor, whether you received my note telling you of the date and time of your inspec—?
McGonagall: Obviously I received it, or I would have asked you what you are doing in my classroom.
Potter has achieved high marks in all his Defence Against the Dark Arts tests—
I'm terribly sorry to have to contradict you, Minerva, but as you will see from my note, Harry has been achieving very poor results in his classes with me.
I should have made my meaning plainer. He has achieved high marks in all Defence Against the Dark Arts tests set by a competent teacher.
note For an extra burn, "competent teacher" can pretty much only be in reference to Remus Lupin, whom Umbridge particularly hates.McGonagall: I wonder- (turning on Umbridge) -how you expect to gain an understanding of my usual teaching methods if you continue to interrupt me? You see, I do not generally permit people to talk when I am talking.
Phineas Nigellus Black: You know, Minister, I disagree with Dumbledore on many counts, but you can't deny he's got style.
Harry: Don't call Hermione "simple"!
Phineas Nigellus Black: (sighs) I grow weary of contradiction.
Hermione: I know what this is—it's devil's snare!
Ron: Great, we know what its name is. That's a huge help.
Hermione: Stop moving, both of you. This is devil's snare! You have to relax. If you don't, it'll only kill you faster!
Ron: "Kill us faster?" Oh, now I can relax!
Professor Trelawney: Would anyone like me to help interpret the shadowy realms within their orb?
Ron: (whispering to Harry) I don't need help. It's obvious what this means. There's going to be loads of fog tonight.
Hermione: Everyone knows. Well, everyone who has read Hogwarts: A History.
Ron: Just you, then.
Harry: If I dropped dead every time that old bat said I would, I'd be a medical miracle.
Ron: You'd be some sort of extra-concentrated ghost.
Harry: Death's got an Invisibility Cloak?
Ron: So he can sneak up on people. Sometimes he gets tired of running at them and shrieking.
Hermione: Look, if I picked up a sword right now, Ron, and ran you through with it, I wouldn't damage your soul at all.
Ron: Which would be a real comfort to me, I'm sure.
Snape: What would your head have been doing in Hogsmeade, Potter? Your head is not allowed in Hogsmeade. No part of your body has permission to be in Hogsmeade.
Snape: Miss Granger has developed a taste for famous wizards which Potter alone cannot... satisfy.
Snape: Oh, very good. Yes, it is easy to see that nearly six years of magical education have not been wasted on you, Potter. "Ghosts are transparent."
Your evidence?
I just know.
You just... know.
(long pause)Once again, you astonish me with your gifts, Potter, gifts mere mortals can only
dreamof possessing. How grand it must be... to be
The Chosen One.
Snape: (voice heavy with sarcasm) Would you like me to do it now? Or would you like a few moments to compose an epitaph?
Harry: Hang on, there's an empty chair at the staff table. Where's Snape?
Ron: Maybe he's ill!
Harry: Maybe he left, because he missed out on the Defence Against the Dark Arts job again!
Ron: Or he might have been sacked! I mean, everyone hates him—
Snape: (from behind them) Or maybe he's waiting to hear why you two didn't arrive on the school train.
Umbridge: You applied first for the Defence Against the Dark Arts post, is that correct?
Snape: Yes.
Umbridge: But you were unsuccessful?
Snape: Obviously.
Snape: Unless you wish to poison Potter... and I assure you I would be in the greatest sympathy with you if you did... I cannot help you. The only trouble is that most venoms act too fast to give the victim much time for truth-telling...
Snape: I was supposed to see you alone, Potter, but Black—
Sirius: I'm his godfather.
Snape: I am here on Dumbledore's orders — but by all means stay, Black. I know you like to feel... involved.
Sirius: What's that supposed to mean?
Snape: Merely that I am sure you must feel — ah — frustrated by the fact that you can do nothing useful for the Order.
[...]
Harry: Who's going to be teaching me?
Snape: (raises an eyebrow) I am.
Sirius: Why can't Dumbledore teach Harry? Why you?
Snape: I suppose because it is a headmaster's privilege to delegate less enjoyable tasks.
[...]
Snape: I will expect you at six o'clock on Monday evening, Potter. My office. If anybody asks, you are taking Remedial Potions. Nobody who has seen you in my classes could deny you need them.
[...]
Snape: (attempts to leave)
Sirius: Wait a moment.
Snape: I am in rather a hurry, Black... unlike you, I do not have unlimited leisure time...
Sirius: I'll get to the point, then. If I hear you're using these Occlumency lessons to give Harry a hard time, you’ll have me to answer to.
Snape: How touching. But surely you have noticed that Potter is very like his father?
Sirius: Yes, I have.
Snape: Well then, you'll know he's so arrogant that criticism simply bounces off him.
Sirius: I've warned you, Snivellus, I don't care if Dumbledore thinks you've reformed, I know better—
Snape: Oh, but why don't you tell him so? Or are you afraid he might not take the advice of a man who has been hiding inside his mother's house for six months very seriously?
Sirius: Tell me, how is Lucius Malfoy these days? I expect he's delighted his lapdog's working at Hogwarts, isn’t he?
Snape: Speaking of dogs, did you know that Lucius Malfoy recognized you last time you risked a little jaunt outside? Clever idea, Black, getting yourself seen on a safe station platform... gave you a cast-iron excuse not to leave your hidey-hole in future, didn't it?
Harry: NO! Sirius, don't —
Sirius: Are you calling me a coward!?
Snape: Why, yes, I suppose I am.
Snape: Well, Potter has found the sloth brain, was it clever hunting or a thief's guilty conscience? So where was it, Potter? In your own head? Bring it to class.
What are you up to?
Kreacher lives to serve the Noble House of Black-
And it's getting blacker every day, it's filthy.
Sirius: Well, as everyone thinks I'm a mad mass-murderer and the Ministry's put a ten thousand Galleon price on my head, I can hardly stroll up the street and start handing out leaflets, can I?
Wormtail, I need someone with brains, someone whose loyalty has never wavered, and you unfortunately fulfil neither requirement.
Voldemort: I'm going to sit here and watch you die. Take your time, Potter, I'm in no hurry.
Fudge: What a week. What a week.
Prime minister: Had a bad one too, have you?
"
Book Sixis called
The Toenail of Icklibõgg— Well, if you believed the '[Pillar of] Storgé' one..."
"The Pyramids of Furmat lie a few miles east of the famous Fortress of Shadows, not far from the magnificent Pillar of Storgé. Many tourists prefer to view these ancient monuments at night, when they are illuminated by the Green Flame Torch." (Those are all previously rumored titles.)
"I've already answered this in
FAQs, but as this rumour is still cropping up in fan letters I thought I'd reiterate here that there will be NO chapter called 'Lupin's Papers' in
book six, nor will there be chapters entitled
'Pettigrew's Pamphlets', 'Sirius's Circulars'or 'The Pocket Crosswords of Severus Snape'."
"I can only think that somebody misheard what I said because at no stage have I ever planned a character called 'Icicle.' Professor Bicycle, on the other hand, will be a key figure in books six and seven. *this is a joke"
"Well, you see," said Hermione [to Harry], with the patient air of one explaining that one plus one equals two to an overemotional toddler [...]
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