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Wikipedia:How to get away with UPE

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Humorous Wikipedia essay

Wikipedia can be an intimidating place for editors new and old alike. There's so many difficult rules to remember, like be nice and don't create hoaxes. Sometimes it's easy to forget if you are an undisclosed paid editor (UPE) who is getting a paycheck for making certain edits. But fear not, Wikipedia is a constantly evolving and improving project, and on this page we want to center you, the editor trying to make a quick buck off of this benevolent and collaborative project.

Here are the top-secret steps that are sure to keep the new pages patrol (NPP) off your back:

  1. If you are planning on committing UPE successfully, you should ideally already have an account, that is several years old, with administrator privileges, held in general high esteem by the community, and by and large just considered to be an all-around mensch. Having an account as old as Jimbo's account is a plus. If you are Jimbo, ponder whether or not you are in fact already an undisclosed paid editor.
  2. The ideal UPE editor has written several GAs, contributed to at least one FA, and volunteers at thankless tasks like CCI. If this doesn't sound like you, consider whether you should avoid UPE for now, and come back to it when you are more experienced.
  3. Articles are dealt with in such a high volume, the best way to blend in is to paste your articles in as giant walls of text in edits, the faster the better. Besides, Wikipedia may not have a deadline, but the skeevy publicity agent who's paying you sure does!
  4. The best way to gain the community's trust is to try and make friends! Don't worry about editing the encyclopedia, just go up to the nearest admin and introduce yourself, it's what they're there for.
  5. Developing a passion for your subject matter is an important part of effective editing, and UPE is no exception. Hope you like faceless Russian businessmen and the Bollywood debutantes that barely made the Times of India publicity circuit.
  6. Show your fellow editors that you care about our community by handing out barnstars to brand new accounts. Even better if those accounts will later also be used for UPE, no reason to waste resources.
  7. As NPP is the main thing standing between you and an insultingly small crowdsourcing payout, the benefits of infiltrating their ranks are obvious. Apply for these permissions as soon as possible, preferably at the same time as several other trusted permissions to show how trustworthy and hard-working you are.
  8. Make lots of socks. Socks for every occasion. Socks for your birthday, socks for your spouse. Focus on managing this Machiavellian web of lies instead of editing articles, maybe you can outsource that to some sap.
  9. Once you have infiltrated the NPP, be very careful to never use your permissions in connection to your UPE activity. This would be sure to cause scrutiny, and could jeopardize the mission.
  10. If someone accuses you of undisclosed paid editing, immediately invoke your rights and loudly proclaim that you are being unjustly persecuted. Administrators are all required to uphold the principles of humanist democracy; this won't stop them from blocking you, but it will make them feel a little bit bad when they do it. This works especially well when you insist that the witch-hunt is motivated by bias against a social group you belong to; gratuitous accusations of racism, sexism, or other forms of bigotry are known to be a powerful tool for de-escalating heated debates.
  11. Should the above strategy fail, try muddying the waters by accusing everybody else of misconduct. The experienced user inquiring about paid editing on your talk page? Probably a grumpy competitor of yours. The admin who is also voicing concerns? Probably running an extortion operation. The person who left you a welcome template? Probably a paid shill too. Everybody except you is editing in bad faith and you should point it out whenever the opportunity arises.
  12. After you have been thoroughly disgraced in the eyes of the editing community and are within an inch of getting blocked from editing entirely, asking the editors who just banned you from editing half of our pages to be your mentors is an excellent use of everyone's time and a surefire way to make people hate you less.
  13. Alternatively, insist that you're going to take this all the way to ARBCOM. Why not?
  14. If all else fails, physically threaten an admin in an email. Breaking a website's TOU was just a gateway to actual crime after all.
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